I’ve heard you cry out, although your lips only tremble and you refuse to let them move. You’ve always been like that, silent and timid, yet brimming with an abundance of ideas that the world ought to hear. At first, you were a mystery, a question mark that I tried incredibly hard to answer. At the time, I didn’t stop to think that maybe I didn’t need to find an answer. Rather, I needed to only understand and sympathize with how you felt and when you felt that way. Because that’s what you did for me. You held me tight and close enough that I could feel my heart beating in sync with your own. You did not say that you would fix me, but instead, you constantly reminded me that we were in this together and that we would be able to figure things out together. But now, that season of our life is over and we’ve learned how to live without the other. Surely, if the stars were to align and we were given another chance, I would take it without a second thought. But I know that right now, this is where we need to be: as just friends. So as your friend, as someone who cares about you deeply and truly, do not tremble in fear of speaking your mind. Do not hesitate to call out to me, so that I can remind you that you are not alone and that I will try my best to understand. I may not be able to provide the answer that you are looking for, but I will listen to what you have to say. I will love you, even when you wholeheartedly that you are not loved.
Because when I look at you, I am inspired to be an example of love,
It is the second week of May, but we are practically six months into 2017. Half the year has come and gone in the blink of an eye and eventually, we’ll be going through the stores buying pumpkins and turkeys, placing Christmas lights onto rooftops, and watching fireworks sail across the sky while we wonder where the year has gone.
As I sit at the table and look out the screen door, watching the clouds routinely glide across the almost summer sky, I think back on what has already happened and what is to come. It is almost unbelievable that the older we become, the faster time seems to soar on by. Like the Shinkansen (bullet train) in Japan, time zips right on by and in a flash, we arrive at a station ushering in the new year.
Of course the city that I live in has changed. But other than my hometown, many things have changed for me, on a very personal level, in a matter of six months. I’ I noticed that I’ve become more quiet and reserved, saving my words for the right time or locking them away in a safe in my mind. However, I make sure that when I do say something, it matters and has meaning and weight behind it. I realized that my family needs me more than I ever imagined. To take care of them, to listen to them, and to be an example of love, a role model they can look up. Becoming close to my family was something that I’ve always wanted as a child. But I am also starting to realize the importance of putting an equal amount of time in family, friends, and work. Perhaps I am missing a few things, perhaps right now I am on the verge of uncovering a great lesson that will shed light onto which path I should embark on next. But right now, I choose to believe that what has happened so far this year, needed to happen and that the person I am right now, is the person that I need to be. In this place, at this exact moment in time, this is who and where I need to be. I choose to believe that with my whole heart.
So as summer comes upon us and the days become longer and the nights start to be filled with memories, I will look forward to the later half of the year. I will look forward to the next six months as a time of continuous growth. And I hope that by the last day of this year, I will look back on 2017 and say with confidence, “This was my year.”
I couldn’t sleep last night because my head was filled with thoughts of you. Would you believe me if I told you that, face to face? Maybe not. You would think that with the distance that has accumulated between us, I would have better- other things to think about. But as always, I remain awake at night and think about you. I think about the people you’ve met and who was lucky enough to become your friend. I wonder about the current obstacles you face and if there is someone that you’re able to confide in. I lie down and wonder if you still go outside in the middle of the night, sit on the bench on the right side of your house, and look at the stars that populate the sky. I wonder if you have similar thoughts about me. As you might have guessed, I can no longer sleep at night. At least I’m unable to sleep well or at a reasonable time. The night has become somewhat of a home for me. It’s become a safe haven, a place that I’m able to visit whenever life gets a little hard, a security blanket or pillow that helps me keep the monsters at bay. Sometimes I wonder if our relationship had lasted, would I have ended up like this? Would we have remained as friends? Would I be slightly happier knowing that I could turn to you, as a friend, when I am unable to sleep at night? But I’m not a time traveler, as much as I wish I could be, nor do I know of one. The past cannot be changed or altered. It is not a home that can be touched up or repaired if something becomes broken or damaged. The past happened for a reason. Or at least I’d like to think that way. This letter will never reach you nor will I ever be able to say this in public. It is just something that I like to do in order to pass the time before I’m able to sleep. So if you hear or read that I am thinking of you, do not be alarmed and you don’t need to call. I just hope that sometimes, you think about me, too.
And sometimes, I hope we’re both awake at night, staring at the same night sky,
At first, I could only remember the beginning. I remembered how we exchanged glances, with a pinch of awkward in our body language. I remembered you smiling hello while I wondered whether you were actually speaking to me. Thankfully, you were. From that point forward, we were no longer strangers. At first, It was difficult to talk to you because of our differences. If I were an alley cat roaming the streets, you were a bird that called the skies home. I don’t think I envied your ability to fly, but more so, I believe I was amazed at the courage that allowed you to fly. My entire life was spent on the ground, searching for something greater. There were a few moments, here and there, where I believed that I had found this greater purpose that only I could fulfill. However, circumstances would change and then I would choose to scurry away, tail between my legs. Then, there was you. In the sky there may have been turbulent winds, maybe there was a parade of clouds that shrouded you in darkness, maybe the wind would cause you to lose your way. But you continued to spread your wings, despite the obstacles and you continued to fly. I believe that is what made you great. That is what made you who you are. You never gave up and I think that is why I became so attracted to you. I think that’s why I’m still attracted to you. And I couldn’t wait to become a better person with you by my side. At first, I only remembered the beginning.
But now, I can’t forget the end,
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s been longer than a month, I know that for certain. The circles under your eyes have become more luxurious. It’s apparent that the bounce in your step is absent and forgotten. Your smile seems to have vacated it’s usual space, leaving behind no note of when it will return. I will not and refuse to ask you to tell me what’s wrong. Even though you shied away from that question, in the end you always expressed what was on your mind. And I appreciated that you freely chose to come to me with how you felt. Thank you. I was truly grateful for that. Which is why I believe it can happen again. I believe that you will be able to lay your heart out on the table and dissect it in a way so that I will understand. And I promise, that I will. I will understand the brokenness of your heart and the fragile nature that it now carries with it. I promise to understand why your posture has changed. As if you’re carrying a particular weight on your shoulders and it has suddenly become too heavy to bear and carry on your own. When things become difficult and when you feel up to it, please don’t be afraid to scream for help. Do not whisper. Do not say it in passing. Do not hide it. Scream if you must and I will coming running. I promise you that much. So please, accept my help. Accept my understanding. Accept that I want you to get better. Before it- before you get any worse.
I love you, and I need you to accept that,
Sometimes the hardest goodbyes are the ones that are found underneath a blanket of silence. After the fact, you try to search for any signs or hints of where it all started to go wrong. Perhaps knowing when it all started to fall apart, that knowledge would ultimately help in your quest to bring it back together and fix the damage that had been done. But to your dismay, there are no breadcrumbs to follow, no white elephants visibly standing in the corner of the millions of rooms that you searched. And then you’re left wondering, wading in the waters of your thoughts. You feel as if you’re struggling to keep afloat and eventually you find it hard to breath. Your brain starts playing tricks on you, in order to relieve the pain. You wake up and smell their scent lingering on your pillow, you hear their laughter carried by the wind, you feel their touch as the darkness of night grows deep and unbearable.
The scenarios play out in your head and you imagine the day that you meet once again. Perhaps that day will signal the start of another chapter, a chapter where there exists an us once again. Perhaps on that day, all the words that were left unsaid will be spoken and brought into the light. And perhaps that day does not exist. Perhaps that reality is merely a faraway dream that is not meant to come true. And the fact of the matter is, you will never get the closure that you so desperately desire. You will remain in a state of emotional pain and you must live with the fact that the words left unsaid will always linger in the corner of your heart. This is a reality for some and the past for others. However, I will say this: You will be okay. Maybe it will take months. Maybe it will take years. But at the end of everything, you will be okay. These were the words that I wish I heard. These were the words that were left unsaid.
When I was with you, I felt a plethora of feelings, some good and some bad. But I always enjoyed my time with you. I remember smiling as you spoke, silently wondering how you decided that you wanted to spend this time with me. I fondly remember dancing in the lobby of the hotel after prom and how I felt infinite, twirling around to the music in our heads. I am able to recall the daily phone calls, the ones that would last for hours until we- or more accurately, until I fell asleep. Everything about us seemed so harmonious, so peaceful, and so right. But I realized this too late. Underneath all of the good, underneath our seemingly perfect relationship, absent of fights, that’s when the red flag should have appeared. And slowly, but surely, you grew tired of me. I kept pushing forward and was not able to realize that in order to change and to mature, there needs to be some sort of obstacle that we must overcome. And when it did, I failed miserably. At the time, I became engulfed in my emotions and didn’t realize that my next action would hurt you. That what I did next shattered our seemingly harmonious relationship into a thousand pieces that disappeared into the stream of time. Now, the us that I had grown so accustomed to, became the past and truth be told, I haven’t forgiven myself since. But the years have passed, we’ve grown older, and although I still feel apologetic and guilty, I hope that you are doing well. I hope that we will both be able to find someone that we can argue with, someone that we can grow with. I often imagine what it would be like if we coincidentally met on the street. It is my sincere hope that we’ll be able to greet each other with a smile, a sign of a simple hello. Of course this scenario has changed countless times, but I hope you know that I hold the time that we shared together precious.
Thank you for that season of my life,