It took me a while to understand why you felt the way you did. When you first came out to me, I took the route that most people mistakenly walk. I made the deadly statement that your life was a blessing in itself, that other people had it worse. That was my first mistake, the first sign that I did not truly understand at all. As the days crept on, you began to feel tense around me and I could feel it too. We began to tiptoe around each other, carefully constructing our sentences and answers for potential conversations that had yet to occur. However, we felt that it was necessary in order to maintain our friendship. Shared secrets became scarce, the way we looked at each other now tainted, our entire world shattered into pieces due to my insensitivity. Then when you confessed that you still harbored those feelings a second time, that’s when I took a step back. I tried to look at you as if nothing was wrong, but the sadness that was contained inside of your chest still existed. That much I knew. And because it didn’t disappear the first time, I was afraid that it would not disappear a second. The distance between us grew and I wondered if this was the right approach. I know now that it was not. But I took step after step after step back, until I couldn’t hear your shouts for help. For so many years, I couldn’t hear your voice and in the end, I thought I lost you. And that fear almost became a reality. Thankfully, someone heard your shouts of agony, your cries of despair. Thankfully, you are now so close to the word fine that it is almost tattooed onto your skin. Thankfully, you are alive. And that is something that I hope I can imitate.
Like you, I wish to remain alive,
You were always quiet, yet loud in your own way. With every passing day, your silence carried the weight of the world, while your steps were often light, and a smile was always etched onto your face. You didn’t allow yourself to sit and soak in your thoughts. The moment that you became idle and still, it was over. You were consumed by a darkness that only you believed that you could see. When others pointed this out and asked how you were feeling, you would brush off the help, thinking that telling someone your troubles would only burden them and cause them to run away away. But because of past experiences, you constructed a fortress around your heart, too traumatized to let anyone in. And that’s how you lived; at a distance. Letting people come close enough to see the pupils of your eyes, yet far enough to hide the trembling fear in your hands. You allowed other people to dictate how you should feel and whether what you were feeling was appropriate for that moment in time. But I hope that one day, you will have the courage to stand behind your feelings. That one day you will be able to truthfully confess if you are feeling sad or angry or depressed or that you want to disappear. Your feelings deserve attention, too.
Your feelings are not a burden, they are what make you, you,
You always told me to be selfish, that the rest of the world didn’t care about my well-being, and that it was my job to ensure that I pursued the things that would benefit me and only me. There were nights when you constantly told me that I shouldn’t choose you, that you were not someone that I could trust, because like everyone else you could suddenly disappear and leave like smoke being carried away by the wind. You told me to become cold and unfeeling so that if the ground started to crumble from beneath my feet, I would not be harmed from the imminent fall. Throughout our conversations you would remind me that dreams were dangerous, that my mother and father were always right, that I should aspire to become stable and happiness will naturally follow afterwards. And not even once I’ve challenged you. I’ve never told you that you were wrong, because you were absolutely right. I wanted to become stable and secure and safe so that I had something to fall back on. But as the routine began to seep in and the days started to mesh together, I realized something important: I was not happy. I was not happy with who I became, I was not happy working in this unrelated field, I was just simply not happy. And I wish I could say that after a while, things changed. They didn’t. As of right now, in this present moment, I don’t care whether I will be able to feed myself at night, because honestly what’s the point if I don’t want to wake up to live another day. At the end of it all, at the end of this I want to make one thing clear. I don’t want to be safe. I want to be free and happy and I want to breathe a sigh of relief. I want to feel like I’m skating on cotton candy clouds while I’m doing something that I love, something that makes me happy. And in the end, I will choose you. Not them, not me, but you.
I choose you because you make me happy and by your side is the only place I want to be,
I’ve heard you cry out, although your lips only tremble and you refuse to let them move. You’ve always been like that, silent and timid, yet brimming with an abundance of ideas that the world ought to hear. At first, you were a mystery, a question mark that I tried incredibly hard to answer. At the time, I didn’t stop to think that maybe I didn’t need to find an answer. Rather, I needed to only understand and sympathize with how you felt and when you felt that way. Because that’s what you did for me. You held me tight and close enough that I could feel my heart beating in sync with your own. You did not say that you would fix me, but instead, you constantly reminded me that we were in this together and that we would be able to figure things out together. But now, that season of our life is over and we’ve learned how to live without the other. Surely, if the stars were to align and we were given another chance, I would take it without a second thought. But I know that right now, this is where we need to be: as just friends. So as your friend, as someone who cares about you deeply and truly, do not tremble in fear of speaking your mind. Do not hesitate to call out to me, so that I can remind you that you are not alone and that I will try my best to understand. I may not be able to provide the answer that you are looking for, but I will listen to what you have to say. I will love you, even when you wholeheartedly that you are not loved.
Because when I look at you, I am inspired to be an example of love,
I couldn’t sleep last night because my head was filled with thoughts of you. Would you believe me if I told you that, face to face? Maybe not. You would think that with the distance that has accumulated between us, I would have better- other things to think about. But as always, I remain awake at night and think about you. I think about the people you’ve met and who was lucky enough to become your friend. I wonder about the current obstacles you face and if there is someone that you’re able to confide in. I lie down and wonder if you still go outside in the middle of the night, sit on the bench on the right side of your house, and look at the stars that populate the sky. I wonder if you have similar thoughts about me. As you might have guessed, I can no longer sleep at night. At least I’m unable to sleep well or at a reasonable time. The night has become somewhat of a home for me. It’s become a safe haven, a place that I’m able to visit whenever life gets a little hard, a security blanket or pillow that helps me keep the monsters at bay. Sometimes I wonder if our relationship had lasted, would I have ended up like this? Would we have remained as friends? Would I be slightly happier knowing that I could turn to you, as a friend, when I am unable to sleep at night? But I’m not a time traveler, as much as I wish I could be, nor do I know of one. The past cannot be changed or altered. It is not a home that can be touched up or repaired if something becomes broken or damaged. The past happened for a reason. Or at least I’d like to think that way. This letter will never reach you nor will I ever be able to say this in public. It is just something that I like to do in order to pass the time before I’m able to sleep. So if you hear or read that I am thinking of you, do not be alarmed and you don’t need to call. I just hope that sometimes, you think about me, too.
And sometimes, I hope we’re both awake at night, staring at the same night sky,
At first, I could only remember the beginning. I remembered how we exchanged glances, with a pinch of awkward in our body language. I remembered you smiling hello while I wondered whether you were actually speaking to me. Thankfully, you were. From that point forward, we were no longer strangers. At first, It was difficult to talk to you because of our differences. If I were an alley cat roaming the streets, you were a bird that called the skies home. I don’t think I envied your ability to fly, but more so, I believe I was amazed at the courage that allowed you to fly. My entire life was spent on the ground, searching for something greater. There were a few moments, here and there, where I believed that I had found this greater purpose that only I could fulfill. However, circumstances would change and then I would choose to scurry away, tail between my legs. Then, there was you. In the sky there may have been turbulent winds, maybe there was a parade of clouds that shrouded you in darkness, maybe the wind would cause you to lose your way. But you continued to spread your wings, despite the obstacles and you continued to fly. I believe that is what made you great. That is what made you who you are. You never gave up and I think that is why I became so attracted to you. I think that’s why I’m still attracted to you. And I couldn’t wait to become a better person with you by my side. At first, I only remembered the beginning.
But now, I can’t forget the end,
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s been longer than a month, I know that for certain. The circles under your eyes have become more luxurious. It’s apparent that the bounce in your step is absent and forgotten. Your smile seems to have vacated it’s usual space, leaving behind no note of when it will return. I will not and refuse to ask you to tell me what’s wrong. Even though you shied away from that question, in the end you always expressed what was on your mind. And I appreciated that you freely chose to come to me with how you felt. Thank you. I was truly grateful for that. Which is why I believe it can happen again. I believe that you will be able to lay your heart out on the table and dissect it in a way so that I will understand. And I promise, that I will. I will understand the brokenness of your heart and the fragile nature that it now carries with it. I promise to understand why your posture has changed. As if you’re carrying a particular weight on your shoulders and it has suddenly become too heavy to bear and carry on your own. When things become difficult and when you feel up to it, please don’t be afraid to scream for help. Do not whisper. Do not say it in passing. Do not hide it. Scream if you must and I will coming running. I promise you that much. So please, accept my help. Accept my understanding. Accept that I want you to get better. Before it- before you get any worse.
I love you, and I need you to accept that,