I’ve heard you cry out, although your lips only tremble and you refuse to let them move. You’ve always been like that, silent and timid, yet brimming with an abundance of ideas that the world ought to hear. At first, you were a mystery, a question mark that I tried incredibly hard to answer. At the time, I didn’t stop to think that maybe I didn’t need to find an answer. Rather, I needed to only understand and sympathize with how you felt and when you felt that way. Because that’s what you did for me. You held me tight and close enough that I could feel my heart beating in sync with your own. You did not say that you would fix me, but instead, you constantly reminded me that we were in this together and that we would be able to figure things out together. But now, that season of our life is over and we’ve learned how to live without the other. Surely, if the stars were to align and we were given another chance, I would take it without a second thought. But I know that right now, this is where we need to be: as just friends. So as your friend, as someone who cares about you deeply and truly, do not tremble in fear of speaking your mind. Do not hesitate to call out to me, so that I can remind you that you are not alone and that I will try my best to understand. I may not be able to provide the answer that you are looking for, but I will listen to what you have to say. I will love you, even when you wholeheartedly that you are not loved.
Because when I look at you, I am inspired to be an example of love,
I couldn’t sleep last night because my head was filled with thoughts of you. Would you believe me if I told you that, face to face? Maybe not. You would think that with the distance that has accumulated between us, I would have better- other things to think about. But as always, I remain awake at night and think about you. I think about the people you’ve met and who was lucky enough to become your friend. I wonder about the current obstacles you face and if there is someone that you’re able to confide in. I lie down and wonder if you still go outside in the middle of the night, sit on the bench on the right side of your house, and look at the stars that populate the sky. I wonder if you have similar thoughts about me. As you might have guessed, I can no longer sleep at night. At least I’m unable to sleep well or at a reasonable time. The night has become somewhat of a home for me. It’s become a safe haven, a place that I’m able to visit whenever life gets a little hard, a security blanket or pillow that helps me keep the monsters at bay. Sometimes I wonder if our relationship had lasted, would I have ended up like this? Would we have remained as friends? Would I be slightly happier knowing that I could turn to you, as a friend, when I am unable to sleep at night? But I’m not a time traveler, as much as I wish I could be, nor do I know of one. The past cannot be changed or altered. It is not a home that can be touched up or repaired if something becomes broken or damaged. The past happened for a reason. Or at least I’d like to think that way. This letter will never reach you nor will I ever be able to say this in public. It is just something that I like to do in order to pass the time before I’m able to sleep. So if you hear or read that I am thinking of you, do not be alarmed and you don’t need to call. I just hope that sometimes, you think about me, too.
And sometimes, I hope we’re both awake at night, staring at the same night sky,
At first, I could only remember the beginning. I remembered how we exchanged glances, with a pinch of awkward in our body language. I remembered you smiling hello while I wondered whether you were actually speaking to me. Thankfully, you were. From that point forward, we were no longer strangers. At first, It was difficult to talk to you because of our differences. If I were an alley cat roaming the streets, you were a bird that called the skies home. I don’t think I envied your ability to fly, but more so, I believe I was amazed at the courage that allowed you to fly. My entire life was spent on the ground, searching for something greater. There were a few moments, here and there, where I believed that I had found this greater purpose that only I could fulfill. However, circumstances would change and then I would choose to scurry away, tail between my legs. Then, there was you. In the sky there may have been turbulent winds, maybe there was a parade of clouds that shrouded you in darkness, maybe the wind would cause you to lose your way. But you continued to spread your wings, despite the obstacles and you continued to fly. I believe that is what made you great. That is what made you who you are. You never gave up and I think that is why I became so attracted to you. I think that’s why I’m still attracted to you. And I couldn’t wait to become a better person with you by my side. At first, I only remembered the beginning.
But now, I can’t forget the end,
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s been longer than a month, I know that for certain. The circles under your eyes have become more luxurious. It’s apparent that the bounce in your step is absent and forgotten. Your smile seems to have vacated it’s usual space, leaving behind no note of when it will return. I will not and refuse to ask you to tell me what’s wrong. Even though you shied away from that question, in the end you always expressed what was on your mind. And I appreciated that you freely chose to come to me with how you felt. Thank you. I was truly grateful for that. Which is why I believe it can happen again. I believe that you will be able to lay your heart out on the table and dissect it in a way so that I will understand. And I promise, that I will. I will understand the brokenness of your heart and the fragile nature that it now carries with it. I promise to understand why your posture has changed. As if you’re carrying a particular weight on your shoulders and it has suddenly become too heavy to bear and carry on your own. When things become difficult and when you feel up to it, please don’t be afraid to scream for help. Do not whisper. Do not say it in passing. Do not hide it. Scream if you must and I will coming running. I promise you that much. So please, accept my help. Accept my understanding. Accept that I want you to get better. Before it- before you get any worse.
I love you, and I need you to accept that,
When I was with you, I felt a plethora of feelings, some good and some bad. But I always enjoyed my time with you. I remember smiling as you spoke, silently wondering how you decided that you wanted to spend this time with me. I fondly remember dancing in the lobby of the hotel after prom and how I felt infinite, twirling around to the music in our heads. I am able to recall the daily phone calls, the ones that would last for hours until we- or more accurately, until I fell asleep. Everything about us seemed so harmonious, so peaceful, and so right. But I realized this too late. Underneath all of the good, underneath our seemingly perfect relationship, absent of fights, that’s when the red flag should have appeared. And slowly, but surely, you grew tired of me. I kept pushing forward and was not able to realize that in order to change and to mature, there needs to be some sort of obstacle that we must overcome. And when it did, I failed miserably. At the time, I became engulfed in my emotions and didn’t realize that my next action would hurt you. That what I did next shattered our seemingly harmonious relationship into a thousand pieces that disappeared into the stream of time. Now, the us that I had grown so accustomed to, became the past and truth be told, I haven’t forgiven myself since. But the years have passed, we’ve grown older, and although I still feel apologetic and guilty, I hope that you are doing well. I hope that we will both be able to find someone that we can argue with, someone that we can grow with. I often imagine what it would be like if we coincidentally met on the street. It is my sincere hope that we’ll be able to greet each other with a smile, a sign of a simple hello. Of course this scenario has changed countless times, but I hope you know that I hold the time that we shared together precious.
Thank you for that season of my life,
Many things invoke fear into my heart; ceramic dolls that stare for one second too long, heights, trying to find a common topic of interest. Trust me, there are more things on this list. What I am most afraid of, however, is losing you. I fear that one day you will disappear like sea foam. I fear that you will vanish right in front of my eyes, and that there will be nothing that I can do to stop you. You will disappear quite naturally and leave behind no reason other than “it was bound to happen.” As I think about it now, however, I do not believe I am ready. I am not ready to wake up one day and fully accept that you are gone. I may seem strong enough so you can do that, but I am lacking in many aspects of life. I know that one day, I will be fine. I know that one day I will be able to live with the absence of you. So please, won’t you remain here for just a few moments longer?
Won’t you stay?
I know I never got the chance to say thank you. Before I knew it, you were gone like a wisp of smoke on a windy day. And just like that, I was swept up into a tidal wave of emotions, consumed by lust and greed and loneliness. Despite all of that and the journey that I took, I kept arriving at the same conclusion: there would be no other person to take your place. You became an irreplaceable memory, engraved into the tapestry of mind that I didn’t have the heart to throw away or set on fire. I continued to bump into this and that, continued to lose this and that, and realized that I wasn’t supposed to be living like an empty waiting for it’s owner to come home. I wasn’t meant to live like that. But my passions became stained with complacency and without realizing it, I had stopped moving forward. I remained in the same place for years, wondering why nothing had changed. It was a weird feeling, to see everyone leave me behind and not look back. But I slowly began to see the glances, the bewildered stares wondering why I hadn’t come with them. Their eyes prodded me into action, is what I would have liked to say. But they didn’t. Their eyes scared me into hiding, until there was nothing but darkness around me. At first, I thought that the darkness suited me and that I should remain in darkness for a long, long time. But then I started to see others, I started to realize that I was not alone. And almost as if by instinct, I gathered up the courage to speak with these other people and slowly, we made our back into the light. It was refreshing to feel the sun’s rays again and the first person that came to mind was you. I know it sounds strange, but I want to thank you. Thank you for guiding me into the abyss. Thank you for helping me to find light in the darkness. Thank you for opening my eyes to different perspectives and ideas.
Thank you for hurting me,