Dear You, Pt. 30

dear you

As the lights came on and I looked through the crowd, I saw you standing there with that silly smile on your face. After a night out on the town, I believed you to be an illusion, an image from the confines of my memory projected onto some random stranger that looked just like you. But as I blinked and straightened out my thoughts, you remained, with the smile that you wore on the day that you left. You see, they say that time is the best remedy to all wounds, whether it’s something physical like a cut from a harmless piece of paper or a deeper, emotional wound caused by a catalyst of events that leave a vacant room in our hearts. Needless to say, on the ride home that night, I continued to think of you. I saw you hopping along streetlamps like a ballerina floating along to a familiar tune on stage. At the diner, I saw you seated across from me, ordering strawberry waffles because those were your favorites and if a menu had it, you could never say no. I saw you tucking me in before I drifted off to sleep and entered a world where the line of reality and fiction became thin and barely noticeable. But I did not see you when I awoke the next morning, much to my dismay. I searched through the house, just to find a trace of you that wasn’t in the form of photographs or a box neatly placed at the foot of my bed. Maybe one day, someone will create a device that will allow the general public to relive memories over and over and over again. Maybe one day, someone will create a serum or a procedure that will allow people like me to completely erase certain memories that they are unable to forget. Perhaps one day, I will see you again, in the flesh, standing right in front of me with that silly, warm smile on your face.

Until then,
Me

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Dear You, Pt. 29

dear you

When we first met, you were studying with a group of friends (or classmates) at a corner table inside of the local Starbucks. You were laughing then, a loud and obnoxious laugh, but a laugh that I slowly became used to as time went by. In the beginning, our eyes gravitated towards each other, sometimes staring for a second too long, before one of us suddenly broke eye contact. It was a game of push and pull, but an enjoyable game nonetheless. Then by some chance our orders got mixed up and just as sudden as an afternoon shower, we became friends. In a matter of months, we both filled the empty spaces that had accumulated over the years, an emptiness that always begged for more but was never satisfied with what was given. But we were enough for each other. We became the sad, acoustic love songs that we wanted to hear after a break up. We became the relaxtion of a ten day vacation after months of a grueling school year. We became the refreshing glass of cold water in the middle of a summer day. At least that’s what you felt like to me. Isn’t it strange how much space just one person can occupy in your heart? Isn’t it strange that even though two people are nothing close to lovers, they can be soulmates that trascend the tests of time? Isn’t it strange that somehow we managed to fall apart, although the red string of fate was bound so tightly around us? I know that this is coming out nowhere and maybe you still don’t want to hear from me yet, or even at all. But I hope that one day you meet your soulmate at the corner table of your local Starbucks. I hope that they’ll take your hand and promise you as close to forever as possible. I hope they keep their promise.

I hope they are nothing like me,

Me

Dear You, Pt. 28

dear you

One night you told me that you wanted to be in the company of the best. In seconds, I phoned a handful of our closest friends and within the hour, we created a dance floor out of the mall parking lot. On some lazy weekend afternoon, you mentioned that you wanted to be alone, so I brought out the last of the cookies and cream and with it, the password to my Netflix account scribbled on a torn piece of paper. A few hours later, as I drank the last of my coffee at the Starbucks down the road, I received a phone call from you, asking me to come home. We had many moments like these, many moments that I am only able to relive through my memories. But even now, I am starting to forget what it was like to be with you. To be with someone that I considered a best friend, a family member, someone who I thought would be with me for the rest of the days of my life. Sadly, our red string of fate was cut short and like two leaves falling into a stream, we were swept away by life’s current and ended up separated from each other, washed up on opposite shores. At this point, you should only be a memory, a chapter in my life that should have been closed long ago. However, if truth be told, I think of you every now and then. You slip into my prayers as I wash up for the night and your face appears onto the shoulders of strangers that I pass by on the street. I will not lie: I miss you, terribly and without reason. I miss you. I’m unable to physically say this, so I write it in a letter, I write it in a poem that is unable to see the light of day, I write it into the characters of a short story that remains fictitious and resides in a realm, a thousand or more leagues away from reality.

I write about you and all of the things that I am still unable to say,
Me

Dear You, Pt. 27

dear you

You always saw the best in me, that I was trying to be the best version of myself in that moment. You believed that I continued with that same effort even after you went away for school. But when you came back after those four years, the look in your face and the silence in our conversation revealed everything all at once. We changed. In very big and extremely small ways, we changed into two different human beings, with some aspects now a mystery to each other. But it was no mystery that I was broken and torn, far from the best version of myself that you envisioned. I remember that it took you a few moments to compose yourself, to organize the words that you wanted to say, the words of encouragement that I readied myself to accept with a halfhearted smile and forget shortly afterwards. But instead of saying anything, instead of doing what I expected, instead doing something that is so you, you said nothing at all and hugged me. And for a second time, everything was revealed. We changed in many different ways, but our friendship remained the same. By saying nothing, it was a reminder that I could come to you, that I could confide in you when I felt like I was falling out of place. In that moment, I could do nothing more than cry. I never got to properly thank you for that. So I just want to say, thank you.

You saved my life and I thought you should know,
Me

Dear You, Pt. 26

dear you

It took me a while to understand why you felt the way you did. When you first came out to me, I took the route that most people mistakenly walk. I made the deadly statement that your life was a blessing in itself, that other people had it worse. That was my first mistake, the first sign that I did not truly understand at all. As the days crept on, you began to feel tense around me and I could feel it too. We began to tiptoe around each other, carefully constructing our sentences and answers for potential conversations that had yet to occur. However, we felt that it was necessary in order to maintain our friendship. Shared secrets became scarce, the way we looked at each other now tainted, our entire world shattered into pieces due to my insensitivity. Then when you confessed that you still harbored those feelings a second time, that’s when I took a step back. I tried to look at you as if nothing was wrong, but the sadness that was contained inside of your chest still existed. That much I knew. And because it didn’t disappear the first time, I was afraid that it would not disappear a second. The distance between us grew and I wondered if this was the right approach. I know now that it was not. But I took step after step after step back, until I couldn’t hear your shouts for help. For so many years, I couldn’t hear your voice and in the end, I thought I lost you. And that fear almost became a reality. Thankfully, someone heard your shouts of agony, your cries of despair. Thankfully, you are now so close to the word fine that it is almost tattooed onto your skin. Thankfully, you are alive. And that is something that I hope I can imitate.

Like you, I wish to remain alive,
Me

Dear You, Pt. 25

dear you

You were always quiet, yet loud in your own way. With every passing day, your silence carried the weight of the world, while your steps were often light, and a smile was always etched onto your face. You didn’t allow yourself to sit and soak in your thoughts. The moment that you became idle and still, it was over. You were consumed by a darkness that only you believed that you could see. When others pointed this out and asked how you were feeling, you would brush off the help, thinking that telling someone your troubles would only burden them and cause them to run away away. But because of past experiences, you constructed a fortress around your heart, too traumatized to let anyone in. And that’s how you lived; at a distance. Letting people come close enough to see the pupils of your eyes, yet far enough to hide the trembling fear in your hands. You allowed other people to dictate how you should feel and whether what you were feeling was appropriate for that moment in time. But I hope that one day, you will have the courage to stand behind your feelings. That one day you will be able to truthfully confess if you are feeling sad or angry or depressed or that you want to disappear. Your feelings deserve attention, too.

Your feelings are not a burden, they are what make you,  you,
Me

Dear You, Pt. 24

dear you

You always told me to be selfish, that the rest of the world didn’t care about my well-being, and that it was my job to ensure that I pursued the things that would benefit me and only me. There were nights when you constantly told me that I shouldn’t choose you, that you were not someone that I could trust, because like everyone else you could suddenly disappear and leave like smoke being carried away by the wind. You told me  to become cold and unfeeling so that if the ground started to crumble from beneath my feet, I would not be harmed from the imminent fall. Throughout our conversations you would remind me that dreams were dangerous, that my mother and father were always right, that I should aspire to become stable and happiness will naturally follow afterwards. And not even once I’ve challenged you. I’ve never told you that you were wrong, because you were absolutely right. I wanted to become stable and secure and safe so that I had something to fall back on. But as the routine began to seep in and the days started to mesh together, I realized something important: I was not happy. I was not happy with who I became, I was not happy working in this unrelated field, I was just simply not happy. And I wish I could say that after a while, things changed. They didn’t. As of right now, in this present moment, I don’t care whether I will be able to feed myself at night, because honestly what’s the point if I don’t want to wake up to live another day. At the end of it all, at the end of this I want to make one thing clear. I don’t want to be safe. I want to be free and happy and I want to breathe a sigh of relief. I want to feel like I’m skating on cotton candy clouds while I’m doing something that I love, something that makes me happy. And in the end, I will choose you. Not them, not me, but you.

I choose you because you make me happy and by your side is the only place I want to be,
Me