Sometimes the hardest goodbyes are the ones that are found underneath a blanket of silence. After the fact, you try to search for any signs or hints of where it all started to go wrong. Perhaps knowing when it all started to fall apart, that knowledge would ultimately help in your quest to bring it back together and fix the damage that had been done. But to your dismay, there are no breadcrumbs to follow, no white elephants visibly standing in the corner of the millions of rooms that you searched. And then you’re left wondering, wading in the waters of your thoughts. You feel as if you’re struggling to keep afloat and eventually you find it hard to breath. Your brain starts playing tricks on you, in order to relieve the pain. You wake up and smell their scent lingering on your pillow, you hear their laughter carried by the wind, you feel their touch as the darkness of night grows deep and unbearable.
The scenarios play out in your head and you imagine the day that you meet once again. Perhaps that day will signal the start of another chapter, a chapter where there exists an us once again. Perhaps on that day, all the words that were left unsaid will be spoken and brought into the light. And perhaps that day does not exist. Perhaps that reality is merely a faraway dream that is not meant to come true. And the fact of the matter is, you will never get the closure that you so desperately desire. You will remain in a state of emotional pain and you must live with the fact that the words left unsaid will always linger in the corner of your heart. This is a reality for some and the past for others. However, I will say this: You will be okay. Maybe it will take months. Maybe it will take years. But at the end of everything, you will be okay. These were the words that I wish I heard. These were the words that were left unsaid.
When I was with you, I felt a plethora of feelings, some good and some bad. But I always enjoyed my time with you. I remember smiling as you spoke, silently wondering how you decided that you wanted to spend this time with me. I fondly remember dancing in the lobby of the hotel after prom and how I felt infinite, twirling around to the music in our heads. I am able to recall the daily phone calls, the ones that would last for hours until we- or more accurately, until I fell asleep. Everything about us seemed so harmonious, so peaceful, and so right. But I realized this too late. Underneath all of the good, underneath our seemingly perfect relationship, absent of fights, that’s when the red flag should have appeared. And slowly, but surely, you grew tired of me. I kept pushing forward and was not able to realize that in order to change and to mature, there needs to be some sort of obstacle that we must overcome. And when it did, I failed miserably. At the time, I became engulfed in my emotions and didn’t realize that my next action would hurt you. That what I did next shattered our seemingly harmonious relationship into a thousand pieces that disappeared into the stream of time. Now, the us that I had grown so accustomed to, became the past and truth be told, I haven’t forgiven myself since. But the years have passed, we’ve grown older, and although I still feel apologetic and guilty, I hope that you are doing well. I hope that we will both be able to find someone that we can argue with, someone that we can grow with. I often imagine what it would be like if we coincidentally met on the street. It is my sincere hope that we’ll be able to greet each other with a smile, a sign of a simple hello. Of course this scenario has changed countless times, but I hope you know that I hold the time that we shared together precious.
Thank you for that season of my life,