A Great Perhaps

Life is a terrible mistress whose thoughts and actions are left in the deep unknown until they happen accordingly to her own schedule. Sometimes life can present us with a thing of beauty. Maybe it’s a budding romance to warm us up in the cold winter. Or it could possibly be the acceptance letter (or in this day and age, an e-mail) that we had been eagerly waiting for. Of course, on the other side of things, life can also present us with a thing of misery. Life’s misery could come in the form of death, maybe not in the literal sense, but the death of a dream or passion that we once held onto, the death of a relationship that we once held near and dear to our hearts.

And even though life is unpredictable and sometimes cold, it still prompts us to seek a Great Perhaps. For my own “Great Perhaps”, the color of it changed dramatically after my college graduation. It did not feel as warm or welcoming as it did before. Rather, it felt like a cold, dark ocean whose tide relentlessly attacked and pulled at my feet, in an attempt to drown me. Now, I say this because I felt like I was stumbling around in life, as if I were born with two left feet. I did not know who I was or what I wanted to be. I awkwardly tiptoed around the question of “What are you doing now” addressed to me from friends and family, as an uncomfortable sensation swelled up in my chest. It was difficult, to say the least, to face not only my parents, but to also face the reflection in the mirror. I felt worthless and that no matter how hard I dreamed or tried, my efforts would fall short. It was infuriating to know that I had once been viewed with so much potential, but I had suddenly stopped short and become somewhat a failure.

But here comes the beauty of the “Great Perhaps.” I realized that with a storm, there must also come the sun. It may take a while, but it will always appear afterwards. And having this hope strapped onto my chest, I trekked through all of these previously laid expectations and began picking up where I left off. I slowly began to figure out who I am and what I wanted to become, although I had supposedly been so certain during college. And perhaps this is the path where I was meant to be all along. And I only wish that I had realized that sooner. In essence, this post is neither an affirmation that I am completely okay, or extremely not okay. Rather it is a reminder to myself, and maybe to all of you, that we are all on a journey to seek a Great Perhaps. We are all lost souls looking for a permanent home and I know we will all find it in the end. So good luck on your journey, for I will be there with you.

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