With the imminent end of another year coming closer by the second, as usual it calls for moments of reflection. What did I do/accomplish? Who did I become? Did I achieve the goals that I set for myself in the beginning of the year? Have I remained stagnant or am I closer to figuring out what this whole thing called life is about? There are probably a million question marks, a million moments to relive, and a million of everything in between. But there is one thing I am certain of: I am not the person I was a year ago (cliché line that needed to be said). Compared to other years, this statement holds an unexpected weight, one that was not there before. But instead of comparing and contrasting the me that entered the year 2015 and the me that is leaving it behind, it is probably best to express these changes through a list. Yes, the oh-too-cliché list of “things I’ve learned about myself this year.” But here goes anyways.
- Don’t worry, love will come. I entered this year with the belief that I would find a soul compatible with my own. I firmly held onto the idea that, as long as I put forth an adequate amount of effort, things would work out. But without the perfect timing or that initial spark, a romantic relationship would not work out no matter how hard I tried. At least it seemed that way to me. So in the end, I became obsessive, jealous, needy and afraid, and everything fell to pieces; from my mentality to my emotional stability, it seemed that everything was sort of a mess. However, as the optimist I try to be, I believed (and keep on believing) that love will come. Maybe it wasn’t yesterday, maybe it wasn’t today, and maybe it won’t be tomorrow, but it will eventually come for me. This year I actively (and inactively) searched for love but was unable to find the one that I desired. And that’s the keyword: desired.
- Even monsters want to be called beautiful. When thinking about the term “monster,” the word beautiful is definitely far from the list. The same thing can be said about scars. The scars that we have are a reminder of past wounds; some are physical that take permanent residence on our skin and others are formed within, those that reside in our heart and our mind. But I have learned to appreciate these monsters, these scars embedded onto my being. I have accepted that my brokenness is a part of who I am. I am in a constant battle with these monsters. I am in a constant debate on whether or not I should embrace these scars or if I should cover them up. But at the end of the day, this is me. And if I can’t think my monsters, my scars, are beautiful then how should I expect someone else to think that way about me?
- Every victory is important. I never knew the importance of this statement until this year. But each and every victory is important. Whether it was getting out of bed, deciding to go out and socialize with other people, smiling even when it felt like I had nothing to smile about, I count these as victories. These victories serve as a reminder that I am moving forward to a better version of myself. They may seem small to other people, but they mean the world to me.
Of course, I had more in mind and I still do. But I think these three will suffice. In a lot of ways, 2015 was a hard year. It involved a lot of internal fighting, a lot of picking myself back up, a lot of allowing other people to help me pick myself back up. In short, it was a struggle; a struggle to convince myself to stand where I am today and to realize my significance. Sure, some people may argue that everyone has their own problems. Some people may use the argument that there are “people who have it harder than you.” But it is never in good taste to invalidate someone else’s struggle. I am the main protagonist in my life story, as you to your own. I am a lost soul in search of a permanent home. And I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. So thank you for being hard on me, 2015. Thank you.